Monday, June 30, 2008
It 4:55am and I can't sleep. It's way too late to take a sleeping pill so I got my laptop and came out to the deck to blog. The sun is coming up and it is the perfect temperature. I haven't felt this peacful being alone in a long time. If I thought I could, I would get up every morning to sit out here like this. I just wish Starbucks delivered :)
I am beginning to feel like my life is getting back on track. I'm really not the kind of person who likes to feel out of control in any way so depression for me was a big blow. Not only was my life out of control but I felt like I wasn't in control of myself. I believe with all my heart everything happens for a reason and I think these last few months have been lesson in gratitude for me. Now that I'm starting to feel like I'm back on top I realize all the wonderful things I have.
Depression has also been a lesson in humility. I'm not perfect. I struggle just as much as the next person but for so long my pride kept that relatively hidden. After having three kids in three years people started praising and admiring my stamina leaving me eager to not disappoint. I finally had something I was good at and I didn't want anything to take that away. I started to feel so guilty when people told me they didn't know how I do it. In my mind I was almost living a lie. I'm not saying I felt like I was a bad mother or wife I just felt like no one knew how insecure I really was. I love my life so much and always have but until I was willing to let go of that pride and risk judgement I wasn't truly at peace. As funny as it sounds reading blogs by other mothers has boosted my confidence and given me such joy. I feel so connected to these families I have never even met. Who knew a little support from fellow bloggers would change my life ;) So thanks you guys!! Thanks for putting yourselves out there and giving me the courage to be my 'authentic' self in blog land and the real word :)